Know Thyself

I had to really think and ponder on this next blog entry because recently I had to think about some things I rarely put time into. I thought this topic would be good bcause not only do I know people like as well as “normal” people go through it. It happens to disabled people more in most cases.

If you are a highly functionable person, mentally; then you know yourself better then anyone else in the world. You may not know it, you may have people telling you otherwise, or you just haven't put it in to prespective enough, but it is a fact that you know yourself. It took me a very long time to really stop and put myself into prespective.

The doubts started when I was sixteen. A time in ones life where they hae some idea where they are heading. At that time my ideas were shattered and I was not even thinking... I wasnt thinking at all, not in terms of what I wanted to do verses what I can do. After I became wheelchair bound and my cerebral palsy became more pronounced I becamed more self aware, more self cautous, and losing self confidence little by little. I got to where I was too accepting of myself as I talked about in my blog entry titled “Acceptance”. As time went on I started to become more and more content with myyself . I wasn't thriving. No one was pushing me to reach, reach for something, anything; rather then just vegetate. I was slow but I realize that nobody was going to lead the path for me. And because I was extremely self cautous with low self confidence it was very hard for me take that first step, to take the lead, to, make my own path. I had to do something.

Starting junior college was was the first step I ever made for myself. I know I was smart enough; but, could I keep up? I answered that when I made the deans list that first semester. This gave a little self confidence, but I had a long way to go. My time in junior college gave me the mentality “i can do this!”

Now, at the moment, i'm at war with my rehabilitation counselor over my main goal as mentioned in my blog entry titled “Here and Now”. I'm not sure if my conunselor is genuinely concerned or if he just flat out doesnt think I can do it. I think I am borderline. I mean, if they go by a set of guidelines, I am borderline. They know extremely academically capable, they know I'm highly intellagent, but they have doubts about my verbal abilities. One of my best friends discribed my speech like this: “ It's like you have your own accent that people have to get used to.”, when I ask her. Now doesn't that go with everyboby?

Deep down I know i'd a good counselor. I know I can verbally handle it. Since this is my battle, nobody can win it except me. Nobody is going to lead, you have to be the leader to win your own battles. The choices we make dictate the like we lead. And the ancient saying “Know Thyself” still stands strong today.

Here and Now

Finally, we are here and now. I didn't expect my blog to take this long to get to this point. I expeced to be a lot further into my thoughts rather then be still personal. The delay came about because I was discouraged and feeling down. After pulling myself together again I realized I needed to take charge and set some goals.

Before I started my bachelors program in psychology my rehabilitation counselor and I made a plan. The plan was to obtain my bachelors so I can continue on to my masters progam in counseling. My goal was to be a college counselor for disabled students, and my rehabilitation counselor knew this. After getting my bachelors I went through some personal issue as I talked about in my bllog entry titled “Nothing is Forever”.

So now after settling down and comfirming my kids weren't moving across the country (extremely exaggerated, by the way), but it felt that way. My ex wife always encourages me to go where there are more opportunities, but what she realize is how much it would kill me being away from my kids. She really doesn't see that kind of pain. At least, I think she doesn't. I mean, it hasn't happened to her. Anyways, I met with rehailitaion counselor a few times recently and the meetings were somewhat disappointing.

Everything my counselor and I talk about or plan goes on file. What we talked a bout me being able to perform the duties a counselor has he had a concern. My counselor's concern was my speech. I do stutter a little, and I do get stuck on certain words. It's like I have my own accent that people have to get used to. It was very annoying, I mean, come on, it is not like I developed a speech impediment over night for my rehab counselor to question my ability now.

So now my rehab counselor wants me to go shadow a disabled student counselor at the local junior college that used to work for department of rehabilitation to get her opinion. I am to go shadow the counselor for one day and she will report back to my rehab counselor giving her opinion. If I get a good report, the department of rehabilitation will support and fund me to pursue my master program. So that is what is going on here and now.

Just Like You

I want to thank you all for taking the time to read my blog entries. I know my last blog entry titled “Nothing is Forever” was not the most pleasent blog entry to read, it certainly wasn't the most pleasent to write either. Went I was writing my last three blog entries I had the mentality while writing the entries to show you what I went through; and even more so, to show you that we, people with Cerebral Palsy function just like you. My next blog entry will be called “Just Like You”.

Although there are some cases where a person with cerebral palsy who are mentally retarded, but most of us are mentally functionable. Those who have spastic cerebral palsy, for example, can be misinterpreted as having a cognitive delay due to difficulty of communication when in fact we are very smart, very prrceptive, and very sentitive. I speak primarily from my own experience.

For one reason or another parents, even though they know the kid is highly intellagent and bright, they still become naïve and resort to shelter their kids out of fear. Whether it's fear of them getting their feelings hurt or something underlying, it still happen a lot. Some don't realize that if they shelter too much kids with cerebral palsy likely become content and too acceptting as I talked about in my privious blog entry titled “Acceptance”. Fortunately, my mom did her best not to be sheltering; however, she did be a little sheltering when I started junior college because she was concerned that it would be too much for me. Well, here I am holding a BA in Pyshology.

Some who know people with cerebral palsy, especially those who can't talk very well or can't talk at all, know that they are very perceptive. Now, how can this magically happen? Well, drawing on my own experience and on my educated guessing we were forced to. Not perposely, but naturally. To me, the more one doesn't talk the more percerive one is. It make sense in a lot of cases. However, when we talk a lot we tend to loose touch of what is going on around us. Coincidently, I did not start making verbal sounds until I was two years old and I am often discribed as being extremely perceoptive. What we are unable to use well we naturally draw on our inter resources.

I consider myself very fortunate to have had the chance to experience what so many of you litterally take for granted. We are sentitive just like you. We go through ups and downs. We go through happiness and heartbreaks. We are given a chance and we are rejected. We go through every single emotions there is, sometime more so then others. We fall and we pick ourselves up with support or we do it by ourselves. We are just like you.

MOTIVATION - CEREBRAL PALSY BODYBUILDER

Nothing is Forever

Hello everyone. I hope you guys enjoyed my last blog entry called “Family Life” as much as I lived it. It was the best periods of my life, and i adored it tremendously. My next blog entry will be titled “Nothing is Forever”.

As much as I wish that everything is forever, there are a lot of things that make the phrase “Nothing is Forever” pretty relavent. I'm not saying that it is not possible, i'm just saying it's one of those rare things that requires work and a lot of it; but a lot of people just cant do it.

For sometime before I graduated with my bachelors in psychology, maybe even around the time our little girl was born; however, I started to sense something just didn't seem right. Although we still did things together, somethig felt empty. I didnt know what it was, what to do, or what to say. I was never assertive, and I certainly wasn't able to be assertive about someething this close to someone I loved dearly. I beleive not talking was my biggest mistake among other mistakes i've made.

Although we did stuff together, we did our homework, took care of our kids and even went out on family outtings, we didn't really talk except for things that didn't have to do with us. I didn't know what to say because I was too afraid of losing my wife. I stayed home a lot watching our kids while she's at school at time. Well, I stayed home anyway because I didnt care to have friends because I had her, and she was all that mattered to me. I would even stay up all night a lot of times to make sure our kids were ok while she was out studying with her friends. This kinda reminds me of the song by Bryan Adams, “everything I do, I do it for you”... ha ha ha... I felt that way too.

I am not going to go into this it was her fault, or it was my fault dialogue, because we both made mistakes, we both are at fault. I do beleive it was worth working out. I am a very forgiving person unlike others. There is a lot I didnt understand about how things happened the way they did. I do know one thing though, I was feeling very lonely. I had some ideas of what was happening in my head but I was never abled to comfirm them because we never talked. I mean, it's not like we fought and yelled and scream at each other, not at all. When we finally sat and talked it was't about what was going on or how we can work on us, it was about her wanting a divorce. I wanted to go to counseling but she didnt, so I let that idea go. I didn't beleive in just letting a long marriage go like it was nothing, especially wheN we had kids. I litterally poured my heart to her, but the way she responded I could tell her heart was somewhere else. In the end, I just wanted her to be happy.

Don't get wrong, I was hurt. I was hurting for a while. I cryed my heart out countless times. Sat and wonder what happened. Wondered if I was ever really worthy. Wondered if she just wanted more then i could offer. And after coming to terms and pulling myself together on my own, i came to the realization that in a lot of circumstances nothing is forever.

Family Life

I'd like to thank all my readers for coming by and reading my blog entries. I hope you enjoyed reading the short series of “Happily Ever After?”. I'm going try to keep pace and post entries more often. My next entry will be titled “Family Life”. I hope you all enjoy the entry.

After our wedding, my wife and I went on our honeymoon. I wanted to go on a cruise for the honeymoon because i've been on one before. The cruise I wanted to would sail to ensenada. The cruises and pretty cool and very relaxing. They have a buffet all day, drinks, a causual dinner night, a formal dinner night, a small concert, and a casino but you have to wait until the ship got into international water. My wife wanted to go to disneyland. So, disneyland it was. But, during my time with my wife, she would poke at for not taking her on “a” cruise.

Disneyland for honeymoons is a lot of fun, for any occasion for that matter. They have something for every setting. You name it, they have it. You get what you pay for. Since i've been there countless times for fun and for college credits, I knew what we were getting into. A lot of walking! We did everything and had a lot of fun. It was on our honeymoon that we decided to have a baby.

I really loved married life. Having someone that loves you for just you, not for what you can or cannot do. Some to confide with, without worrying about them breaking your trust in them. Someone to look up to for support and encouragement. Someone who will call you on you mistakes and still be there. Someone to cuddle with at night and not worry if it was just a dreaan and not be there when you wake up. And watch your kids wake up and grow into the person they will become tomarrow. Be there for good and hard times and sickness and health.

My wife going through labor for our first baby must be the scariest, yet one of the most joyful moments in life. Seeing my wife go throught so much pain and agony made me feel very helpless. It one point I was so worried she was going to die. And here comes Dr. Demerol to save the night. After the anesthesioloist gave my wife a shot of demerol, she had the baby within minutes. It was a beautiful baby boy.

I really like being a father, especially when they are babies. Babies are the sweetesst little bundle of joy. Babies are parents pride and joy. Watching our chrildren grow are the most joyous and heartbreaking experiances a parent can have. We get heartbroken because we afraid of change. At times I feel so bad because i wanted more for my son then I could offer.

I really loved watching my wife be mother. There is nothing more picture perfect then a loving mother tending to their babies unconditionally. Although I could not do certain things she made sure she helped me be apart of everything. When I would get down on myself for not being able to do the things I wanted to do for baby boy, my wife reason with me and made sure she was there to help.

Soon after having our baby boy I decided to go back to junior college to shore up some elective course so I can transfer to a university to obtain my Bachelors degree in Psychology. Just before I stated at the university, I met with my rehabilitation counselor to put together a plan. My counselor encouraged me to go full time, but I was nervous because I was in a excelerated program. Just before I started at the university my wife and I brought a condo.

Also, soon before I started my bachelors program my wife gave birth to our second baby. This time, during my wife's labor I was a lttle more at ease because I knew what to expect. I still felt I wish I could do so much more for my wife. We had a beauriful baby girl, by the way.

When my lil girl was able to be left with me or my wife's sister or her mother, we both were going to school. I was very proud of my wife in her acheivement in completing her medical assistant program. And in eighteen months completed my bachelors program with a GPA of 3.87.

It only takes on minute. World CP day.