Happily Ever After? Part 1

For those of you who are on track with my entries this next entry will be an overlap of the deleted scenes from my entry “Relapse”. And for those of you who are a beginner reader to My Scroll I will give you a quick overview of my missing link entry of the entry I titled “Relapse”. In short, my entry titled “Relapse” consisted of me moving onward after my Mothers passing, taking on some new challenges, trying to keep up with my college courses, picking up smoking pot again, graduating, and then quitting smoking pot. Now we are caught up and proceed to move onward to my next entry. I had trouble drafting in my head this next entry to My Scroll because so much had happen during this time, so I decided to break it up into two entries. My next entry will be titled “Happily Ever After?” Yes, you read that right, with a question mark. Please note, the entry titled “Happily Ever After?” will be in two parts.

As some of you know I spent a lot of time searching the internet. I’d research articles for an upcoming paper due the fallowing week for class. I research stocks because I liked to deal with money. I loved to search different philosophical and psychological figures. And when I was free of homework and sometimes bored I would search different profile on America Online, ultimately females. So, after I graduated I procrastinated a lot anticipating what to do next, and while I fooled around anticipating I spent more time searching the profiles on America Online.

There was one profile that stood out. It belonged to a female much younger then myself. Although, to this day she would still deny ever putting it in her profile; however, the thing that attracted my attention is that she wanted to be a nurse or a midwife. The profile was maturely written with a little sarcasm that hinted her playful sense of humor. I contemplated whether I would send here an instant message thinking she would not respond. A few days went by and I finally worked up the guts to send her an instant message. Drums were rolling and my heart was pounding, and next thing I know she responded. We only talked for a few minutes because she was at work, but she said she would talk to me when she got home. When she got home we chit chatted getting to know each other. After a few weeks of chatting online we decided to meet for the first time. She was very adorable. She was very kind and understanding. She was willing to help me with what I needed. To say the least, she was an angel.

After she got to my house, we talked for a little bit before heading to bed. She was tired because she had worked that day before boarding a flight to Los Angeles. I was tired because I was a nervous wreck because of all the anticipations wandering in my mind. In the morning we got up and went to my favorite place for breakfast before we set foot on our little adventure around the city. I showed her all the popular places, sites, beaches, and parts that people go to. We had a really nice time. I felt bad the whole time because she was on foot and I was on wheels. That night we watched a movie called “Don Juan Demarco” before heading to bed.

The next morning was very hard for me. It was time for her to go back home. I didn’t want her to go. We had such a wonderful time, and I was not ready face reality that she would be gone in a couple hours. I had a great fear that I would never see her again. The moment had come that it was time for my sister to give her a ride to the airport. Before she got into the car she gave me a huge. She was really quiet as she walked to the car, slowly getting in looking out the window giving me a forceful smile over the sadness at the thought as leaving. I felt exactly the same way. I wanted to cry at the thought I’d never see her again. A smile with tears in my eyes I gave her, but she could not see because she was blinded from my tears by the screen door I stood behind as we waved at each other.

A few hours went by, waiting patiently at my computer for her to pop up on my buddy list. I was anxious. I was a nervous wreck all over again. I was sitting there wondering if she will ever talk to me again. Then, all of the sudden, “Ebufster” popped up on my buddy list. Yes, that was her screen name. My heart was racing like the train on one of those original “Superman” episodes on television. My mind was playing tricks on itself, anticipating all the things that could go wrong.

“Hi Steve”, she first said. I jumped as my heart dropped filling up with joy of feeling butterflies inside of me at the sound effect of the instant massager as it popped up. I had goose bumps at the sight of her screen name. After exchanging a few hi’s and how are you’s she ask me: “do you want to take this further?” I was floored. It was what I hoped for, a future with her. I closed eyes and said “thank you”.  I didn’t know who I thanking. I really didn’t know I had the ability to capture a heart in such a way. I replied, “I had hopes that we could.

After chatting with her for a few weeks she paid me a surprise birthday visit. I was totally surprised. I could not believe it. I was coming out of the bathroom sitting down into my chair, and here she comes sneaking up behind me. She slowly put her arms around me from behind. I didn’t even know who it was. I had my hopes who I wanted it to be. I slightly turned my head using my peripheral vision to see who it was. Is that you, I said, with surprised tone. It was her it was the person I hoped it would be. I was so happy. But this time it was nicer, she brought her car.

We went everywhere. We went to places in town that I wanted to take her the first time she came to see me but it was too far to walk. We went to different places out of town before settling for a dinner and a movie. It was such a nice birthday weekend she gave me and I cherish every moment we had. Sunday comes, and it was time for her to go home. All those emotions of sadness came floating back into my conscious. I didn’t want her to go.

The next month was her birthday. She came down to pick me up to take me to her house to meet her family.  She has a big family and wanted them to meet me. I was pretty self-conscious about my appearance and my speech. My mother always taught me not to worry about what other people think of me, therefore, I kept that In the back of my mind. When we got to her house, the small road we had to take to get to her house looked like a scene from The Blair Witch Project. The trees on both sides of the small road were for the apple orchid she lived on. The first person to greet us when we first get there was her mom. I felt most comfortable meeting her mom because I had been chatting with her online. Her mom was very sweet to me and very talkative to me. The rest of her family was very kind to me, they all saw me for the person I am. I ended up staying there and never went back home.

I had a little secret that I only knew about. I planned to ask her to marry me on her birthday. On the morning of her birthday I woke up pondering on whether it was day or time to propose to her. Looking at face and watching her sleep, I still couldn’t believe I was this lucky, I still thought it was a dream that was ongoing and I could not wake up. It was just becoming daylight watching her slowly stretch her way awake. When she slowly opened her eyes I whispered “happy birthday”. She slowly lite up a smile as she consciously absorbed what I had said. I then asked her, “would you like your present now?” she said “yes” with a nodding smile. I had her reach for my duffle bag. Without looking, I reached down into the bag and pulled out a small black suede box. I handed the box to her with smile and a uttered birthday wish. “Happy Birthday Emma.” With her lying next to me she slowly opened the little suede box, then I uttered “will you marry me?” Slightly holding my breath, she turned and looked at me uttering, “YES”.

Bouncing Back

I came to realize that many people can misinterpret what a writer writes. Those of you who were able to read the entry I removed titled “Relapse” may have misinterpreted my writing when I said “I felt bad or weak about what I was about to write” and when I said “I felt I let people down whom were looking up to me”. Some may have interpreted it as neglectful, resentful, and regretful that I smoked pot and the people I did it with. Ninety percent of my readers that are fallowing me either have cerebral palsy, some other disability, and some are parents of children with disabilities. When I said what I quoted above I was ultimately targeting those readers and potential readers like them. These readers find my experiences and my style of writing empowering, insightful, and I have became a person they look up to. I made the mistake by assuming that all readers would understand that.

I do not regret the things I did that I changed, nor do I resort to blaming other for my “Relapse”; therefore, I have never written a single line implying otherwise. I did the thing I did on my own. When I started writing I had the mentality the up’s and down’s, trial’s and error’s, or the habits I started and broke I share; however, I wanted to show that you did not have to retreat. I wanted to show that you can bounce back and get right back on a more productive track.

I have experienced a lot and have witnessed other go through habits that were not so good to know that it is hard for some people to bounce back for the better. There is still hope. There is still room for improvement. We can overcome the improbable, the fear, and the habits that binds us to a still life. However, I wanted to show with my life experience we can get right back up from a fall. No matter how times we fall we can bounce right back.

To My Readers

I am sorry. I removed the last entry titled "relapse" because a reader was offended. I am not sure why. It was potentially damaging for a reason that could not be fixed. I was glad to remove the entry for that reason.

When I started writing My Scroll, and saw how my readers liked my writing and it was very encouraging. After my third entry, i saw an opportunity that i have been trying to pursue for a long, to write a book. I saw how easily i could turn each entry into a twenty page chapter or more. Each of my entres are just a glempse part my life, my thoughts, and how i see things.

Some readers may disagree, some may think its a stupid blog, and some may be offended. It is never  an intention to hurt or undermind anyone with my writing. I write because i have a story to tell. and the majority of my readers like it.

A New Path

A few of my readers were somehow shocked, some were reluctant to express their thoughts, and some were disappointed at the main content of my last entry titled: High Times. I would like to point out some main reasons why I titled my last entry “High Times”. It was not just the fact that I coincidently smoked marijuana; that just fit in perfectly. One reason was that I was it was a time when was in my most peak physical condition which I didn’t talk much about. It was a time when I had the most freedom and was able to explore the city I adored the most. It was when I had my first crush. And it was when I could do anything I wanted before I was completely wheelchair bound due to some unusual physical decline. Life is full of surprises.

This brings me to my next entry titled: A New Path. After my High Times time, suffering great physical decline and was pot smoking free for a few years I soon got bored of just being, I want more. I wanted to do something. I wanted to be around people who were doing something with their life, or at least trying to. I never thought of anything I did as spectacular like many people would, and I’m not sure why. This goes right along with what I discussed in my entry titled: Acceptance and the explanation entry. I never set any goals for myself. I had a bad train of thought that I was an underachiever. Yet, only now, I wanted more.

Soon after I attend a few semesters I met my first girlfriend. She also had cerebral palsy. She reminded me of me when I was fourteen because you can barely tell she had cerebral palsy. She also had dyslexia which I where I came in handy. I would help her with her reading and math. Once we were is a walk-a-thon benefiting a learning disability foundation where I walked a quarter of a mile, after gaining some of my strength back. We went everywhere together and we were inseparable. After getting to know her very well it was like opening a can of worms. Here was this very cute young lady that was sexually abused since she was six year old. I wanted to help her so bad but I knew that it was her that had to help herself, she wouldn’t let anyone help her. Right about the middle of my junior college years I started and hosted a support group called: The Courage to Heal”. The support group was free and open to all students that were or had suffered from any kind of abuse. The support group lasted a year and I felt everyone had learned a great deal.

My junior college was quite a journey. I had I drop few courses because I was not ready or I missed too many lectures. I also took miscellaneous courses instead of taking the courses I needed to obtain my Associates degree. One very sad setback that was not college related that took a whole year to get back into the routine was the passing of my dear mother, my best friend. My mother died of melanoma, but her case was quite unusual. Her melanoma got into her blood stream due to an open sore that had healed up. She died four months after finding out she had melanoma. Some time after my mother passed away, I ended my relationship with my girlfriend. My ex girlfriends companionship was a very tough one for me. I am a person of closeness, cuddleness, and intimacy but she could not return those in return because of her unfortunate pass.

In getting back into the routine I vowed to finish my associates degree and dedicate it to my mother. She helped me tremendously, despite the fact I had become smarted then her academically. She took me to and from school. She sometimes paid for my books. And she put up with me all those years.

And then I did it. I graduated with a little less than a B grade point average

High Times

When I started to write this blog I declared that was not going to candy coat myself because it would mean I am fake and I would be misrepresenting myself. I felt needed to utter that to remind myself not to worry about what people think of me. This next entry might be mind-blowing to some of my readers but remember I am keeping it real. I am going to take back to time in my life what I call “High Times” and how I came to a certain realization.

I grew up around people of the 70’s and the 80’s. I would have to say that most of my highlight and what I talked about in my entry titled “Taking a Turn” happened in mid on into the late 80’s. I ran amuck in the in the early part of this time. Not that I was a trouble maker or did bad things, I was just exploring my freedom; therefore, my physical condition was at its peak. And where I grew up, it was paradise. We had three beaches, eight parks, numerous places where we could go play video games, almost a hamburger hut on every block, and everything was within talking distance. The people that I was surrounded by were pretty down earth and they were not prejudice; however, they smoked marijuana and drank.

I knew about the pot smoking and beer drinking, but I wasn’t aloud to do it, of course, because I was a young boy. When I got older and became more aware of these activities I saw it as the ultimate social thing to do. At the start of my teenage years I eventually started smoking pot with the few friends I had without my mom’s knowledge. Eventually I started smoking pot with my mom and her friends when I got older. I had one rule, go to school and I did. Smoking pot was such a social thing that it became a part of my life. It was the thing to do. No peer pressure. Nobody waved a joint in my face, and said: “come on Steve, try it.” In fact, it was such a social thing that I cannot remember how I started. All I know is I liked it at the time.

Right about the middle of my “High Times” time I started having trouble walking and became a guinea pig as I described in the entry title: “Taking a Turn.” Smoking pot became the most social thing I did during this time to where I smoked it heavily, almost every hour on the hour. This went on for quite some time. After the doctors from three different institutions gave a verdict of nothing was wrong I continued to smoke pot and out with my friend.

It wasn’t until a few years after I graduated high school that one day that I woke up in the morning and made a shocking revelation to my mom. I got up out of bed, nothing exciting or dramatic happened the night before, and went to my mom and told her: “I’m quitting smoking.” My mom was shocked at my surprising announcement and made sure every knew. I don’t know what do into me. The best way I could describe it is I looked at how content I was treating my life, and said to myself: “I don’t like this.” A whole lot of people could not believe how I could smoke pot for so long and stop cold turkey without any help or counseling. Looking back now it was will power.

Some people might look down on me ot some may be applause… it’s all about keeping it real.

Explanation

At the end of my last blog entry titled “Acceptance” I wrote “By now, I hope, you can grasp my argument that being too acceptant of yourself can have a negative effect of the self.” Apparently, a few of my readers had trouble grasping my negative concept of acceptance. In this entry I will try explain it more clearly.

People who know me very well knows, when I write, I tend to be very selective choosing my word and get somewhat analytical. When I decided to write the entry on “Acceptance” I wanted to show the pro’s and con’s. In other words, I wanted to show how I handled accepting myself. In the entry titled “Acceptance” I used the entry titled “Taking a Turn” to give a clear picture to my readers. I concluded that I did not give a clear argument talking about my negative concept on accepting myself. When I was writing the entry titled “Acceptance” I was wrestling with my thoughts on how to best describe my concept.

Now, I did a good job showing how being accepted is an excellent contribution to our self-esteem. But when something goes wrong and nobody can figure out why and accepting that this is how it’s going to be; however, in my mind it gives the concept of acceptance a whole new meaning. Acceptance may imply only a lack of outward, behavioral attempts at possible change, but the word is also used more specifically for a felt or hypothesized cognitive or emotional state. Having said that, being too accepting somehow makes you psychologically blind to possible positive change; therefore, this is what I meant by when I said Acceptance having a negative effect. I hope this helps

Acceptance

I have been struggling and wrestling with my thoughts trying to come up with a opening for this entry, but my mind just kept coming up blank. I want to go into depth about something I mentioned in my previous blogs. It is something that can work for you and somehow, eventually, work against you. Looking back at my childhood and how my mom was so accepting of me even though I showed very little characteristics of cerebral palsy, the people and community saw me as a “normal” kid, and the friends I had included me in outside events and social activities I feel very blessed to have that positive experience.

Unlike other children that were not accepted by their families or their peers for not being tall enough, for being too fat, maybe because of the color of their skin, because of their certain disability, or just because there was something very little different about them I am very fortunate to have been raised in such a positive environment. A good surrounding gave me encouragement to thrive physically. My doctor, Sal Bernstein who passed away last year, gave me all the encouragements in the world to do what ever I wanted. So being accepted can make a world of difference and also can be a great motivator. The key outcome of acceptance, to the self, is being loving and happy with who you are.

“Self acceptance leads to a new life with new possibilities that did not exist before because you were caught up in the struggle against reality. People have trouble accepting themselves because of a lack of motivation. Some have this misconception that if you are happy with yourself you won’t change things about yourself. This isn’t true, you don’t have to be unhappy with yourself to know and actively change things you don’t like. Acceptance could be called the first step in change.” [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acceptance]

I have yet to find something, anything, to back up my thoughts when I mentioned that acceptance can work against you. If I am the first, which I don’t think I am; let’s see how this plays out. I believe one can be too accepting with the self that it hinders their success or motivation. In my blog entry titles: “Taking a turn” I talked about the downhill spiraling of my physical condition, how I had herds of doctors trying to find the missing link and concluding there was nothing wrong reserving to accept that the condition I was in was acceptable. I also mentioned that I was still accepted by my family, friends and the community in which I lived as being included. One of the main points I was trying to point out in that blog is how I was so accepting of myself after all that commotion. So accepting that I didn’t thrive. I didn’t find the need to keep myself motivated. I became very self-cautious. I didn’t know what I could do.

By now, I hope, you can grasp my argument that being too acceptant of yourself can have a negative effect of the self. It took me a very long time to figure this out. Now it is time to fight back and say what Rick Hoyt says "CAN".

Explanation.

One of my readers who also has cerebral palsy was just a bit confused when I said I got worse. She mentioned she was confused because it is known to the cerebral palsy community, or should I say as far as we know, cerebral palsy is not supposed to get worse. Since I went through a lot of testing and the fact that I am a college graduate with a B.A. in psychology and with some basic courses in biology I feel I can offer an educated explanation.

I am confident to support the saying that cerebral palsy does not progress, at least in my case. But one may still ask, “How did I get worse”? First, I’d like to offer a very brief history of my early years. When I was diagnosed at six months old it was determined that I needed to overcome certain muscular patterns that my cerebral palsy was causing. As you may sense from my previous blog, I literally overcame all of the muscular patterns that my cerebral palsy was causing and I was able to begin walking at just before two year old. Now, when I started having trouble walking at about fifteen and a half I started having those same muscular patterns that my cerebral palsy caused. Still, one may still ask, “why did I get worse?” A few years before I started having trouble walking I stopped seeing the doctor that was monitoring my prognosis because my mom did not have medical insurance anymore. Without the doctor to monitor me I had no guidance. Furthermore, as for everyone we all go through a growth burst at that age. Since I was not an active person or an athletic person and my growth burst in progress I got weak very fast. My muscles got weaker coordinately. My right arm contracted severely. And my scoliosis got worse.

This explanation makes more sense on number of points from every single test the doctor performed on me, to my knowledge I have about the body and the timing. I feel confident saying that cerebral palsy does not progress, but the conditions can. The damage in a particular area of the brain is there and won’t get worst, unless there is a head trauma or a stroke later in life. It is my hope this explanation will help my readers and bring to light the importance to continue monitoring our cerebral palsy in our adolescent years

Taking a Turn

In my case, my cerebral palsy took that turn. At sixteen years old I started having difficulty walking, my right arm started contracting in, and my scoliosis was As the cerebral palsy community knows that our condition does not get worse. It is, however, in those rare circumstances that cerebral palsy, if not monitored carefully at a young age, can get worse. I am not sure if “worse” is the right word to use in the event that everything seems to take a turn.

In my case, my cerebral palsy took that turn. At sixteen years old I started having difficulty walking, my right arm started contracting in, and my scoliosis was more pronounced. My mom started taking me to the doctors to figure out why I was taking such a turn. After going to doctor to doctor, hospital to hospital for three years nothing was found. I was “normal”. When I ask for physical therapy, the therapist gave me a power wheelchair. It was like everyone was accepting the fact that this was now how I was suppose to be. Since my mom, my family, and everyone else around me was so accepting of me my cerebral palsy was not an issue as I mentioned in my previous blog. And since I have such a accepting character I did not have the power to put up a fight.

Was not an issue.

it seems to me that the more people talk about their cerebral palsy the more issues they have or the more uptight they are. now i know this is not the case for a lot of people, but i'm sure it is the case for some people.  the issues may come in various forms.

for example, i didn't consider my cerebral palsy an issue because my cerebral palsy wasn't that severe, in fact, it was very mild in the earlier days. my walk was nearly normal, my speech was slightly slurred but very hard to notice, and i held my right arm slightly inward but very usable. i was able to run, ride a two wheel bike, and drive a car.

beside my physical characteristic of cerebral palsy, i was very accepted by my mother, family, the friends i had, and the people around me. i developed a natural ability to give off positive energy regardless to the situation i was in. in short, i attracted people. however, i became a very positive person and never complained. i was not taught to not complain, i just had that nature enter peace. i, to this day, wonder how i deleloped such a talent.

i've had people ask me how i do it, how i attract people, or how i keep it positive when everything all around is negitive. well, its not that i dont see it because, believe me, i do see it. it how you present it, how you carry your self, and how give off your own energy.

remember, how you give off your own energy. now, i know that cerbral palsy as well as other disabilities can be very severe and it can make life very unbearable. it is your choice how you live your life. life is not algebra class where a negitive times a negitive equals a positive. therfore, if you are going to be mad at the world and blame everyone, including yourself, for the disability we have life will be hectic.

Cerebral Palsy is just a Piece of Me

Hola, I have debated for quite some time whether or not to start this blog; not because i did not want to but because I have a hard time seeing myself as a significent person. Also, when i read other peoples blogs i read about their "very best" and that is perfectly ok, but that's just not me. Don't get me wrong, i do have some great monents about me and my life, but don't like the idea "complete glorification" because we are not perfect. Life is all about trials and errors, up's and down's, happiness and sadness, anger and joy, and they are all are a piece of me.

My name is Steven and i have Cerebral Palsy and yes it is just a piece of me. Cerebral Palsy may have shaped me into the person i have become but it doesn't control me. My Scroll is not going to be just about me and my Cerebral Palsy because as the title of this Blog entry state "Cerebral Palsy is just a Piece of Me." My Scroll is going to be about the whole me, my thoughts, and my opinion. 

So, wlcome to My Scroll